If

At what point in your life were you more scared than you had ever been?  The scariest point in my life was when everything I had based my life around was at the point of crashing down around me.

I have a very unique family that I love and don't thank God for enough.  My grandpa was a pastor and my uncle and dad are pastors.  They are not only pastors by trade, though, they are pastors by heart.  They love God and serve Him because they love God.  The same goes for all of their wives.  To say the least, I was brought up in a Christian family which took me to church and that trained me to love God.

I am not sure of the exact date, but one day while I was in the seventh grade I  genuinely asked God to forgive me and I gave Him my life to do with as He pleased (I had said a prayer when I was five, but I really didn't understand what I was doing).  In a language known as "Christianese," that is translated "I got saved."  I am not sure of the exact year, but somewhere around my sophomore or junior year I  did what my teachers told me and I began to think more subjectively.  And as I thought subjectively, I began to give ideas and philosophies more leeway in my mind.  By my freshman year of college at Clear Creek Baptist Bible College, I was a skeptical Christian, a Christian molded by an" I have to see it to believe it," rationalism based generation.

Ever since I had become a subjective thinker, my faith in everything about God, from the deity of Christ to the existence of God, had dwindled.  To say the least, I was miserable.  I was miserable because I knew the Truth. I knew that there was a God.  I knew that I had sinned.  I knew that Jesus was God's Son and was sent to the earth and I knew He died for my sins and  was resurrected so I could have life.  I knew that, but I doubted it because I had not taken every thought captive and "obedient to Jesus Christ" (2 Corinthians 10:5).  Those were the scariest days I have ever faced because those were the days when I felt everything I had based my life around seemed to be falling asunder.  Because I knew the truth and the joy in Jesus Christ, I was not willing to give it up.  

All the while I was battling these thoughts that are straight from the mouth of Satan, I kept a spiritual journal.  On the night of January 26, 2009 during my second semester of college, I wrote the following: "If I forget you, O Jerusalem, may my right hand forget it's skill" (Psalm 137:5)."  And at that moment, on that night in January, I asked God that if I ever came to a point in my life that I did not believe anymore that He would remove from me every ability to function as a human being.  Why?  Because there is not life outside of Christ and I know it.